Must Have Been Love

Title: Must Have Been Love
Author: Lishy the Po
Fandom: Fruits Basket
Rated: PG-13
Pairing: Hatori/Ayame/Shigure
Warning: None
Summary: After Hatori erases Kana's memory, he seeks solace in best friends.

He did it. He stood there staring at Kana's unconscious form, the crushing pain of knowing that when her eyes opened again she wouldn't remember anything they had shared together breaking him in two. The tears came so freely, the sobs following shortly after, until it was all he could do to see her. She was lying in snow, encased in ice, so delicate and beautiful and forever his - for as long as these frozen memories lasted. He couldn't bear to look away, but he knew he had to. He didn't want to be around when she woke up. He felt, for the first time in his life, that he could truly lie down and die.

Turning away, he stumbled blindly toward the only other place he knew to go. He didn't want to be alone right now. He'd been living in a dream where loneliness never touched him, a place where being alone wasn't even real. There was only one place left for him to go if he wanted to escape the ache of this bruising guilt and stabbing loneliness.

He slipped on the ice that lined the stone walk and fell face first into the snow. He wasn't wearing shoes and the winter chill and ice soaked through his socks until his feet were numb in a matter of seconds. It went through his thin dress shirt and his slacks, and he stayed there in the snow, sobbing till his tears stung his face with cold and melted the snow with heated self-loathing. When he finally stood again, he trudged off through the drifts, following his instinct into the night. The snow that gathered in his dark hair rested there indiscriminately, not melting, just clinging. There seemed to be a voice calling him, but he wasn't sure and he didn't care. He just had to get there. It was his only hope.

Pushing open the unlocked door of his destination, he stumbled inside with a great sob, the heat and the dry alien to his numb skin. Shigure bolted upright in bed, startled out of a sleepless dream about Akito and Hatori and Kana and his own helplessness and selfishness. When Hatori came through his bedroom door covered in snow and sobbing hysterically, he immediately jumped up and went to catch him before he could collapse at the foot of the bed.

Shigure was shocked by how cold he was. His skin was so pale, his lips blue, and his tears were crystalline trails of ice down his cheeks and around his one exposed eye.

"I did it," he chattered out pitifully, clinging to Shigure as best he could with stiff fingers. "I did it."

"Hatori..." Shigure fought back tears. He laid him down gently and quickly stripped him of his soggy clothes, wrapping him in several thick blankets. As he was going to the bath to run hot water in the tub, Ayame came bolting through the door in nothing but his night gown, out of breath and frantic.

"Where's Tori?!"

"On the bed. I'm going to run him a hot bath. Stay with him, Aya."

As if he needed to be told. He was in the bedroom and by Hatori's side before Shigure could even tell him. Wrapping his arms around the one person he respected most, he hugged him close to his chest, trying to take all his tremors and sobs into himself. He felt so helpless, had been feeling so since the first day Kana had arrived. His beautiful Tori, he knew this would happen to him, but he had agreed with Shigure to support their relationship. He wished now he could bring himself to say, "You should've never let that woman come here!" But that would be cruel and extremely selfish, and he was starting to realize now, slowly but surely, that he couldn't be selfish anymore. Some people were more important than him.

Shivering uncontrollably, his sobs more like dry heaves, Hatori clutched to Ayame's gown and managed to mumble, "A-Aya...me?"

"Yes - I'm here Tori-san! I'm not going anywhere!" The truest words he'd ever uttered in his life.

Hatori seemed to relax just slightly, pressing his face into Ayame's chest so that his tears were finally thawed by the snake's body heat. He wasn't much warmer than Hatori, but warm enough to suffice.

When Shigure returned the two of them lifted the freezing man and took him into the bath, dropping the blankets at the door and sitting him inside. Shigure carefully removed the iced bandage from his injured eye, preparing himself for the worst. It wasn't as bad as expected - swollen shut and bruised bluish purple. He carefully splashed hot water over his face and slicked back his hair, but despite it all Hatori kept trembling, his good eye going very unfocused as he slowly went into shock. Ayame knelt beside the tub and chewed his knuckles, his own large eyes wet with tears as he tried to stay strong. It seemed the only person in the world who could make him lose composure was Hatori.

"How did you know he would be here?" Shigure asked after a long while, when Hatori's tremors had subsided to small twitches and jerks. He rubbed his back soothingly, a motion that calmed the dog more than the dragon.

"I followed him here," Ayame admitted quietly, his eyes never leaving Hatori's blank face. "I saw the whole thing, Gure." He stopped and closed his eyes, shaking his head as if trying to rid himself of the awful memory. "I saw the whole thing."

"So you followed him all the way here in the snow? How did you keep from changing?"

Ayame smiled slightly, his expression innocent and boyish. He was braiding his hair out of nervousness, the hot steam of the bath making the loose strands around his face curl and tendril against his pinking skin. "I don't know. It slowed me down. There was no way I could catch up with him. He even fell once and just laid there, not moving for the longest time, and still I couldn't move my legs fast enough to pick him up." He reached out to smooth Hatori's wet hair, a loving gesture that Shigure did not fail to notice. "I probably couldn't have even picked him if I'd reached him."

He bit his lip, a small sob whining out before he could catch it.

"You idiot - you could've died!" Shigure exclaimed, the thought of having to deal with two heartbroken best friends wearing his already thin nerves to near nonexistence. He put his arm around the distraught snake and held him close, resting his chin on top of his pretty silver head. Aya clung to him out of need, still trying not to cry. It was just something he didn't do. But then he'd never been this upset about anything before.

"I couldn't help him! No matter what I did!"

"Ayame..." Shigure stroked his back now, keeping his eyes on Hatori, who still stared at the wall, lost to the both of them. He didn't know if the streaks down his cheek were sweat or tears. "It's not your fault! Don't blame yourself."

"You hypocrite," Aya mumbled around a little sob, managing a laugh with it. Shigure looked down at him confused, wondering how in the world he deserved to be called a hypocrite. "You can say that to me when you're hating yourself for the same exact reasons?"

It was true. Ever since that day he had been hating himself - hating himself for never listening to Hatori, hating himself for not being able to prevent what had happened, hating himself for just holding onto Akito and barely even having the strength to do so. It still twisted his guts to think of that horrific sight - dear Ha-san on the floor bleeding profusely and clutching his injured eye, the shards of the vase and the crushed roses, Akito's panicked voice accusing Kana for everything. His Akito, who had been so frail and beautiful until that moment, was suddenly a force of nature he could not control, with no pity and no remorse for the things he destroyed - Kana's mind, Hatori's eye, their relationship and their love... Shigure's need for him. He didn't know it yet, but it was all gone, gone as sudden and fast as it had came. Shigure needed Akito now like he needed a hole in his head. But he supposed it had always been like this.

He sighed, holding onto Ayame protectively. He still felt cold, even in Shigure's warm house surrounded by hot steam. Shigure was sweating under his night clothes, but Aya's skin was as cool and dry as a desert midnight.

"I'm sorry," he murmured to both his friends. "I'm sorry I made such an ass of myself."

Ayame sniffled and laughed quietly. "But we already knew what an ass you are, so it doesn't matter. Right now we just need to be here for Tori-"

"I did it." Ayame stopped abruptly when Hatori's soft, broken voice confirmed his actions once again. "I did it." He lifted his hands from the bath water - the pads of his fingers were wilted like prunes. "I can't believe... I did it."

He covered his face with his hands and started to sob.

Shigure released Aya and got the biggest towel he had, and with Ayame's help they got Hatori to stand and step out of the tub before wrapping him and drying him off. His skin was no longer frighteningly pale, but red and swollen, his lips startlingly pink. Neither of them said a word as they toweled him down. They led him back to the bedroom, where they dressed him in a white T-shirt and thick blue sweater. They got him into flannel pajama bottoms then sat him on the bed, where they combed his damp hair into its neat curtained appearance. Ayame replaced the bandage around his eye, kissing the gauze once it was in place. Hatori curled up in the center of the bed and Shigure and Ayame laid down on either side of him - Shigure to his left and Ayame to his right. Aya spooned behind him and stroked his chest, abandoning his own sorrow to relieve Hatori of his. Shigure wiped his tears for him and tried to remind him that no matter what, he'd always have the two of them.

But all Hatori could do was murmur on about how he had really done it, and he couldn't believe he had.

"If you hadn't done it," Ayame said quietly, "then Kana-san would've only gotten worse. She may have died. Tori-san helped her. You should be glad for that."

It was such a hard thing for Ayame to say. Shigure was proud of him for it.

"It hurts now, but over time the wounds will heal, physical and mental and emotional. You just need to trust in those around you. We'll help you heal any way we can, Ha-san. We love you and it's all we can do."

Ayame smiled at him over Hatori's shoulder. "Beautifully said. You should listen to Gure. His are the words of a wise man!"

Shigure smirked. "But of course! Someday my words will be world renowned and printed in two hundred different languages!"

"Are there two hundred different languages in the world?"

"With over six billion people in the world, I would think two hundred different languages is a small amount."

"Idiots."

The two of them stopped smiling and looked to Hatori with surprise. He was still crying, his unbandaged eye closed. But he wasn't shaking at all anymore.

"Ha-san?"

"You're both idiots."

Shigure felt his heart grow ten times lighter. Ayame hugged Hatori so hard from behind the other man opened his eye and scowled. But he didn't say a word. He beared it, because he knew it was out of love.

"Don't leave us, Ha-san," Shigure said softly, wiping away the new tears. "We'd all be lost without you."

"Don't I know it," Hatori sighed, relaxing into Aya's embrace.

Ayame lifted himself up on his elbow enough to peer over Hatori's shoulder and wipe away a few tears himself. He kissed his friend's cheek, relief and guilt both written on his face.

"I loved her," Hatori told them, so quietly it was like the sound of snow falling, hissing against itself.

"We know," the other two said in unison, and neither was surprised to have spoken the same thing.

"We Juunishi have to deal with such heartbreaks," Shigure said. "This is what makes us stronger."

"I think we should throttle Akito within an inch of his life!" Ayame declared hotly, and the other two only frowned.

"There's nothing we can do about him now," Hatori sighed. "It's been done. And it can't be undone. I... I'll just have to learn how to move on." Easier said than done, he knew, and he fell into sick dread of the day he saw Kana at work again, of the day he watched her go for good. She had apologized for not being able to protect him. He was the one who felt helpless and unable to protect anyone. He really didn't deserve her, if he couldn't even protect her.

Ayame had to let himself be content with Hatori's decision, so he settled in behind him again and just held on, determined never to let go. His earliest memories held Hatori in them, as did his happiest. From the very first moment they'd kissed, he knew he would be with Hatori always. No matter who else the stoic dragon loved.

Shigure was feeling a much darker mood than his companions. Tucking them all in, he told Hatori to sleep, and he did. Ayame fell asleep as well, arms firmly locked around his most important person. Shigure sat up in the dark and watched them, comforted to have them both in bed with him where he could keep an eye on them for a while. To be one of the goofiest, he was the most protective of the three. He supposed it came with being cursed by the spirit of the dog. Even so, he refused to acknowledge anyone as master, least of all Akito.

Lighting a cigarette and settling the ashtray in his lap, he leaned against the wall and stared out the far window at the snow. He remembered Akito's comparisons of Hatori to snow and ice - even when they'd been together he would ask Shigure how he could tolerate Hatori's cold nature. It was those times that Shigure felt diffident with the sickly boy. He felt Akito had no right to speak of Hatori in any way that didn't thank him for the care he gave. And now after this night, and the other day - the blood and screams and Kana's poor shocked face and all Shigure could do was tell her to get Hatori and leave - he didn't think he'd be able to look upon Akito's face with any sort of respect ever again. After Kana and Hatori had left, he'd released Akito and had been firmly slapped in the face by a bitter hand. Shigure had responded with slamming him against the wall hard enough to knock the breath out of him and asking just what in the hell he thought he was doing. Akito had started to cry.

"That bitch doesn't deserve him! She can't help him! She can't save him!"

"No one can!" Shigure had retaliated, shaking him. "Not even you!"

It was the first time he'd openly acknowledged Akito's desperate love for Hatori. And Akito stopped crying abruptly to gape at him.

"I'm sick of this," Shigure had stated, tired and worried and wanting to get to Hatori as quickly as possible. "I'm sick of being his replacement. I'm sick of being your toy. And I will not tolerate your psychodrama because, quite frankly, Hatori is more important to me."

And with that he'd released him and went to leave, avoiding the broken ceramic and spilled blood.

"Shigure!" He'd paused when Akito had called out to him, desperate for him not to leave him alone. But then he'd known it didn't matter - all he had to do was close his eyes and he could see Hatori bleeding. That's all he needed to make him walk out the door without looking back.

He glanced down at his two friends lying beside him, sleeping as peacefully as they could. His chest felt heavy, but he was sure he couldn't go on like this anymore. Something had to be done - this abuse and this torture couldn't last. He touched first Hatori's hair, then Aya's, and told them in a soft voice how sorry he was.

The End